I just sat down and watched the first movie from Lord of the Rings. Then I checked my email. From The SFGate.com, “One Sandwich to Kill You All”. Apropos
“Do you know what I’m talking about yet? Have you seen it? Apparently, for many months, people who run the snarky junk food blogs on the Interwebs heard rumors that KFC was testing this item, and thought it might be a joke, a viral gimmick. Or if not that, then something that certainly would never make it to market, given how it looks like some sort of frat-boy prank, like the drones at KFC’s test kitchens got completely hammered one night and had a bet as to who could come up with the most repulsive menu item imaginable.
Behold, the KFC Double Down sandwich. It is, if you really want to know, two slabs of fried chicken intersliced with two pieces of bacon, two slabs of cheese, and the Colonel’s “special sauce.” It comes in the form of a sandwich, with the fried chicken where the bread used to be. It’s sort of hilarious. It’s sort of perfect.
Did you notice? How in one pseudo-food item, you are consuming not one, not two, but the mutated, chemically injected flesh/byproducts of fully three different distended, liquefied, industrially tortured creatures? Feel the love, pitiable animal kingdom.
You got your chicken-like creature, your pig-like creature, your dairy cow-like creature, all wrapped in a $5 fistful of nausea, ready to strangle your heart and benumb your brain. God knows what’s in the “special sauce.” Maybe some sort of fish byproduct, just to round it all out. It’s like a wild kingdom in your mouth! It’s like a toxic zoo in your colon! It’s like a suicide note from what’s left of your brain! “If you eat this, you are a complete and total idiot, and we’re through. Signed, You.”
For the record, it has 540 calories, 32 grams of fat and 1380mg of sodium, and goes on sale April 12th. Also for the record, if I happened to drink 3-4 well gin & tonics at the Lowbrow Lounge and staggered out hungry, at that moment it might just be the perfect thing.