Ken over at Andina has generously sponsored this contest with a $25.00 gift certificate. Thank you Andina! Their bar is one of my favorite hangouts for tapas and pisco drinks.*
You’ve all heard limericks at one time or another; I’m sure we all learned the dirty ones when we were ten (did they all involve France?). Now it is time to put those memories to work.
Announcing Portland Food and Drink’s first food Limerick Contest.
A limerick has to fit a certain rhythmic meter. For example:
A: What is a limerick, Mother?
A: It’s a form of verse, said brother
B: In which lines one and two
B: Rhyme with five when it’s through
A: And three and four always rhyme with each other
Here’s one I liked about food… and er, college:
brownie by Chris Doyle
They’re chocolaty, nutty, and square,
And in college were fun to prepare.
Marijuana was mixed
In the brownies we fixed.
When we ate them, we floated on air.
The rules: They must be original. They must be related to food. They must be reasonably clean and in good taste. A panel of judges picked by me will narrow down the winning list, the first prize will be picked by a vote of readers. Knock yourselves out!
We’ll leave the contest open for two weeks. Submit as many as you want in the comments. Winner will receive a $25.00 gift certificate to Andina.
The Mick says
There once was a man fondly known as Food Dude,
And often his website is to what I am glued.
It’s where I will learn
To spend what I earn
On fantastic eats, all the while getting stewed.
Food Dude says
Can’t say a word.
Djonn says
For a start:
Mutant hamsters in this online comic
Have worked wonders in things gastronomic;
That much chocolate ganache
Is worth serious cash–
But the calorie count? Astronomic.
Djonn says
And while we wait for the first one to pass moderation:
Ah, the blueberry, ever so humble,
Nonetheless sets my tummy to rumble;
Be it cobbler, sorbet,
Muffin, sauce, or parfait,
Or your grandmother’s old-fashioned crumble.
Djonn says
The muse is working overtime this morning, I guess….
At the booth of the King of Pastramis
Those who carve out the portions are swamis;
By the sandwich or pound
They make bellies grow round
As the food police cry for their mommies.
cuisinebonnefemme says
There once was a restaurant named Ripe
Which led to the public’s gripe
The press they did swoon
Michael lit up the room
But the tripe was merely just hype
blase says
There once was a blogster named Nick,
Who was a litigious prick.
When derided on boards,
He would call on his hordes,
Cuz barristers know every trick.
The Mick says
Genoa was once top of the bunch
Then Paley’s Place came, packing a punch.
Beating, by a mile
The likes of Carlyle,
Park Kitchen, Olea and Nostrana’s lunch.
cognos2000 says
There once was a server with ‘tude.
On good days he was merely rude.
He thought he was hip,
With his comments so flip.
But many found him to be lewd.
The Mick says
The duck at Andina, the cassoulet at Roux
Are dishes I’ve tried and suggest you do to.
The veal at Park Kitchen
Was no less than bitchin’
But nothing compares to my mum’s Irish stew.
Djonn says
And one more….
She ate tuna and white cannellini
As she sat in a booth at Pastini.
“This is good,” she declaimed,
“So the chef must be blamed,
If I no longer fit my bikini.”
Michael Charles says
Great work so far from all you budding poets, especially The Mick, Djonn and blase who are clearly pouring their heart into their art. Keep some of that powder dry, however.
Rumor has it that Food Dude will be launching a sonnet writing contest in the near future. Prize is reported to be a gravy-stained copy of The Complete Works of Willy Shakespeare, signed by the master himself and including the original handwritten version of “There once was a man from Nantucket. . .”
Best regards,
Michael Charles
sidemeat says
On Friday a couple I served
Their order was very reserved
No meat, no fish, no dessert please
Not a bit hungry, do you have any teas?
My attentions to them I conserved.
cuisinebonnefemme says
Trendy restaurant one sunny Spring day,
Over the toilet, head bowed we did pray
The food was just sad,
and the service drove us mad
Unfortunately we still had to pay
Food Dude says
To eat, or not to eat; that is the question.
Chompy says
“there’s a hair in my soup!” complained Shirley
to the head waiter, short bald and surly;
“You know, I’m appalled…”
“Ma’am, the whole staff is bald..”
“Yes I know, but the hair’s short and curly!!”
Chompy says
“This thing in my soup, my dear waiter,
has just climbed up on the potato..”
“Then drink the juice first,
thereby quenching your thirst,
and he’ll leave when the tide goes out, later.”
cuisinebonnefemme says
The 5th Quadrant is a north Portland pub
You can go for a beer or the grub
The reviews are coming in
Some say service is a win
Others feel they’ve been given the snub
Chompy says
When I asked the Maitre d’
what might this green soup be
called,um, petitt poyse,
he said, “Shhh! less noise!
Some think it tastes like p’ !”
Sir Loins says
Sidemeat and Pork Cop are a duo
Two hash-slingers in aprons you will rue
The day that you cross
Your tip (their loss?)
With gratuity thus: “Thanks for the food!”
cuisinebonnefemme says
Chompy. One word: Outrageous!
Made me spit up my coffee I was laughing so hard.
well seasoned says
It’s been a while since I’ve posted (busy summer and all that), but I can’t resist the limerick contest:
When Karen Brooks writes about food
She strives to exude hipster ‘tude.
But she’s so over-ripe
That she falls for mere hype
And our best restaurants aren’t reviewed.
formerly apcow says
“Is this a pork steak or iguana?”
My wife asked me once at Nostrana
An asparagus bed?
A goulda cheese spread?
This dish is a fata morgana
formerly apcow says
You go to a place like Castagna
And order the spinach lasagne
Six pinots later
You flirt with the waiter
And most of it just ends up on ya.
well seasoned says
A restaurant name like Fenouil
Provokes a bad case of ennui.
If they can’t pronounce it
The public will trounce it.
Choose a name like Cafe des Amis!
Food Dude says
Aw.. I new you’all had it in you!
As far as judging these. I think fitting the standard meter is most important, then there is sticking with the theme (food), and finally I think it should be clever or make me laugh.
The judges will be various people that have written for this site.
sidemeat says
Tonight some people came to dine
Pleasant company and good wine
Their dining was adventurous
And tipping was generous
The pleasure is devine
Djonn says
Sweeney ordered a simple crab Louis;
What arrived was an herbed ratatouille.
So he sniffed, turned his head,
Grabbed a lighter, and said,
“Time for waiter flambé, with Drambuie.”
C&S says
There once was a gourmet of mystery
Who hid his identity and history
His reviews women read
And swooned in their head
Thinking thoughts that were very non-sisterly
formerly apcow says
There once was a girl from Myanmar
Who kissed me point blank in a bar
“Excuse me,” she said
“But your nose is so red..”
“I thought you were pinot noir.”
formerly apcow says
A vegan’s plate isn’t complete
Without lentils and flax seed and beets
But this place ain’t trendy
(I think I’m at Wendy’s)
So I’ll order a big plate of meat
well seasoned says
All hail to the stalwart Food Dude!
His website is helpful and shrewd.
He hates food that’s trendy,
Pretentious and spendy,
And leaves no hot spot unreviewed.
Cuisinebonnefemme says
Portland Food and Drink gave a review
It was read by more than a few
The restaurant did whine
As staff poured out the wine
The menu they did redo
cuisinebonnefemme says
How is the salad you say?
Actually it tastes quite like hay
So please take my plate
Because the fish looks like bait
I should have ordered the cheese tray
Food Dude says
We are definetly getting some great entries now, but the one from C&S made me spit my drink all over my desk ;)
It could be that I am going to a party this weekend, and have been asked to bring 4 gallons of my “Hot Day Drink”, so am taste testing it to make sure the proportions are correct. But I thought that was hilarious.
Thanks for all the great entries!
cuisinebonnefemme says
Food Dude’s writings can be so instructive
C&S also thinks they’re seductive
Me, I’m privy to say
After a bottle or so of rosé
I too, would feel quite reproductive
singingpig says
I ate my first tomato last Monday
Oh my, what a fun day!
Warm, juicy and sloppy
It made me so hoppy
To eat my first tomato last Monday
singingpig says
The tomatoes are ripe, pass the salt!
For awhile all work must halt
I like mine
Still warm from the vine
With cracked pepper and Jim Dixon’s salt
cognos2000 says
When I go out to dine at Carlyle
I know I will leave with a smile.
The service is great
And my meal a small fete.
So I think I will linger awhile.
Food Dude says
I thought the server was rude
When he walked to our table quite nude
We ordered wine by the glass
And he seemed like an ass
When it was he, who was obviously crude
A most serious waiter from France
Looked at me as I ordered, askance
“Of course we have snails”
“But no pale ales”
On our wines you must take a chance
witzend says
In pondering where to have dinner,
I scan fooddude’s site for a winner.
I’m thinking of dim sum,
to gorge on, and then some.
Perhaps that is why I’m not thinner
***
formerly apcow says
She gracefully sliced a zucchini
Then mixed it in saffron linguine
“What is it?” I asked
When she brought out the glass
“I call it a clambake martini
formerly apcow says
My nook has withdrawn to my cranny.
Why are my palms ever so clammy?
Oh yeah, I remember:
In this vinyl splendor
I’ve just tried “Moons Over My Hammy.”
the mick says
I went to Carafe for the foie gras terrine,
But PETA were there creating a scene
And boy were they loud
As I fought through the crowd.
It wasn’t with envy for which they were green.
well seasoned says
Oh, what have they done to Pho Van?!
Its color and charm are all gone!
Silk is white, beige, and black –
Decor by a hack –
Now even the food’s looking wan.
formerly apcow says
Something is wrong with this meal
The pineapple chunks: Not ideal
It’s goopy and runny
and drips on my tummy
This jello has not yet congealed!
formerly apcow says
It’s easy to sit down, I bet
With Cointreau, Pernod, and Fernet
But it can be hard
To find a good bar
That does more than just make you wet
formerly apcow says
There once was a girl from Vancouver
Whose girth made it hard to remove her
The staff tried a hook
But then, said the cook:
“I say that we simply dehoove her”
Djonn says
Murmured Wolfgang in tones most appealing
As he poured the food critic’s Darjeeling,
“I’m an Iron Chef, miss . . .”
He leaned in for a kiss . . .
His equipment now hangs from the ceiling.
well seasoned says
When I see PETA target Carafe
For serving foie gras, I just laugh.
Pascal won’t be swayed
By this bird-brained crusade.
Combat contre un francais? C’est une gaffe!
[NOTE: I’d have put that accent under the “c” in “francais” if I could’ve.]
Food Dude says
well seasoned: Check out this simple web page You just find the uncommon letter you need, and click on it. A strange code pops up in the box. Just paste that into your comment in place of the letter you need. It will look strange, but displays perfectly, such as café. You can test it with the preview button.
Bob G. says
I once went to restaurant Nostrana
When I entered I thought “Oh Mama”
But the service was slow,
And the food just so-so
I doubt I will return manana
cuisinebonnefemme says
Portland hosted a large cheese soiree
The Hilton smelled like a rotten bouquet
The patron saint was Tami Parr
And foodies flocked from both near and a far
To sample fromage this Saturday
cuisinebonnefemme says
Ah, cheese, all Hail Mary
Sweet corpse of rotting dairy
Some think it smells quite sweet
Reminds others of old feet
It’s often delicious but scary
cuisinebonnefemme says
So pungent this thing, oozing white and blue-green
It smells so nasty and obscene
But it’s a rare morbier
Have a taste, don’t dismay
No thanks, I’d rather lick a latrine!
Bob G. says
My very favorite food is pasta
When I have it I like to have” lotsa”
But too many carbs is bad
Which makes me quite sad
And I often have to say BASTA !
Bob G. says
When I dine out I like a glass of nice wine
One or two glasses is just fine
But the prices they charge
For a glass not too large
I conside to be a veritable crime
formerly apcow says
There once was a girl from Willamina
Whose specialty dish was from China
Not served on a plate
Yet it’s something we’ve ate
Did I mention she’s from Willamina?
formerly apcow says
On Sunday I read the review
By Monday I found it untrue
Seems this meal, alas
Much like Johnny Cash
Was cooked by a boy named Sous
formerly apcow says
My meter, it seems, is all wrong
And this line is probably too long
I have lots of time
To make this thing rhyme
But it’s, like, hot as hell in this apartment so I think I’ll go get a beet salad somewhere.
cognos2000 says
I went out to dine with 2 Lisas
I freaked at their pineapple pizzas
I tell ya I was railin’
Coz I’m a real Italian
And those slices were just like feces
arsalem says
Think Alba for pasta and oysters at Jake’s
Game hen at Pok Pok…and that’s all it takes
For us here in Salem to moan and to cry,
“We live in food desert–why, oh why, why
Should you Portlanders get all the breaks?
formerly apcow says
I think that my poems are fine
I’ve always liked things that are mine
If I had to vote now
(well, exluding apcow)
I’d probably go 49
chompy says
Dracula, Mabel and me
went to Café Castagna for tea;
we had some fun
with a hot-cross bun
but then settled for crackers and Brie.
chompy says
Bob, Mike and Algernon Skinner
ordered fresh toads in custard for dinner.
The object, I’m told,
for this whole episode
was – last to throw up is the winner!
chompy says
I said to my girlfriend, “Don’t hurry.”
when she went to “Bombay’s” for the curry,
but after the fall
and a card from Bengal
I’ll tell you – I’m starting to worry.
chompy says
A cordon-bleu chef called Don Dutton
once described his fair wife as ‘old mutton’ ;
this idea for a meal
had a smidge of appeal,
so he sliced her and diced her, the glutton.
singingpig says
There once was a gentleman named Knight
Into a leafy, green salad he tried to bite
But this salad was grown in a bog
From under the lettuce stepped a little green frog
Said Mr. Knight, “Waitress, I’ll have the antipasti tonight.”
Adapted from a true story. I was told the frog was wiping the vinagrette from its eyes and looking around like “WTF just happened?”
ellie says
There once was a restaurant in Portland
Considered by most unimportant
No reviews from the Willy
Causing crowds that were silly
Just admiring food geeks to support them
formerly apcow says
My evening was quickly exalted
When two peanuts walked in for a malted
Forgive this old joke
I’m about to evoke
But one of them was just assaulted
Bob G. says
I recently served wine from a box
I thought my friends would pelt me with rocks
But after some time
They said very nice wine
And the box is no longer a pox
Shaw Millerman says
There once was a man from Nantucket
Who ate all his tapas from buckets
I told him, go to Andina
It’s like pisco’s in Lima
And as for the bucket he shucked it.
John E. says
Eleni’s, Castagna, yea Echo,
Taco trucks, Nueve, and Por Que No,
Park Kitchen and Genoa,
To them all I’ve a been-oa,
Now, Cole Porter, where is that shad roe?
Bernadette D.N. says
Coffee, not just milk and bitter grind,
but a source of strength for the mind.
Each morning I wake, a grouch–
to my kitchen I slink and slouch,
and sip the joe that will make me kind.