Reddit Portlandia Style: “How to keep local sous chefs from harvesting on your property”

This is one of the best things I’ve read in a while. On Reddit Portland, a poster asks: How do you keep local sous chefs from harvesting urban edibles on your property?

“I have tried posting signs, yet they still seem to find a way into my yard to harvest everything from nettles and catmint to borage and grape leaves. I even built a six-foot tall fence, but they are still managing to get in.
I have called the offending restaurants to ask them to tell their sous chefs to stop trespassing, but so far they seem undeterred. I have also offered to let them onto my property with my supervision, but they mostly seem to come out while I’m at work so everything can be prepped for their dinner service.”

The poster lives in inner SE, which narrows the field. The best part of this post, are some of the responses the post is getting. I’ll pick out a couple that made me laugh:

Have you tried putting out feeding stations with booze? This should distract the sous-chefs long enough for you to club them over the head.

I talked to my cousin, who works in the industry, and she says this would only work with Monopolowa Vodka–too expensive to be a feasible solution.

Fernet. Trust me.

Crush up a bag of cool ranch doritos. Then add high fructose corn syrup until you get a thick paste. Smear the paste around the perimeter of the garden. It ought to keep them away. [Obviously this person doesn’t know chefs!]

Booby traps. Like put a leek on a string so when he pulls it he gets picked up in a net.

What are the distinctive markings of a sous chef?